I’ve always said that too much time on my hands is dangerous. It leaves me with time to think about things I successfully avoid when my mind is otherwise occupied. For the last ten weeks, for the most part, life has been busy with the Bella Course and a few other bits and pieces which has helped to fill my thoughts. The trouble with some, probably much-needed downtime, is that those things which have been successfully buried for a short time bubble to the surface again. I don’t know who coined the phrase “this too shall pass”, but right now I feel like slapping them up the side of the face with a wet fish, and I’m a pacifist! Why? Because even though things have been meant to get better with time, it has not been my experience at all. I say this reluctantly for two reasons. The first is because somehow, having so much support, it seems ungrateful to be still puddling around in my grief, but more than that is the fear that I have become that one person in people’s lives who is never quite right, always sad, no matter how hard I try to hide it. Today is ten months since Chris died, and it’s been hard not to think about what should have been.

Of course, there are the blatantly obvious things which I have mentioned in my previous posts but I have discovered that it is not necessarily the big things that bring me undone in the worst way. Tonight is the second game of this year’s Rugby League State of Origin series. Here’s what SHOULD be………

It’s a Sunday night so tea should be something light, which nine out of ten Sundays Chris would offer to cook. I should have been nagged incessantly all day long about making sure I had sufficiently stocked the cupboard with things like “chippies and dip” or cheese and crackers etc to “mung” on while we watch the footy. We should be having the same argument we have had every year since we met about which team Chris follows in this series and I should be trotting out the same line about it being almost grounds for divorce, having a husband who is NSW born and bred who supports QLD in the SOO. Chris should give me the mischievous grin I fell in love with and then mutter “what a load of rubbish”. I should be able to tell exactly what’s happening on TV, whether I’m in the room or not because my passionate football loving husband would always leave no doubt about how things were going in his running commentary. Depending on the result I should be showing a modicum of restraint by telling Chris there was always next time or he showing no restraint whatsoever and totally giving it to me for at least a week. That’s what should be.

In a few weeks, it will be Opening Night for the 2018 ACT Guide and Scout Gang Show. This will be the third year Georgie has participated in Gang Show and she really, really loves it. It has done wonders for her self-esteem, and even though it is a lot of work I love how much fun she has. I am very proud to say she has four solos this year, no mean feat for a twelve-year-old. Here’s what SHOULD be……..

Chris should be commenting on what a big commitment it is and wondering whether every second year might be a better deal, knowing full well that when Georgie asks us next year if she can participate he’ll say yes. Both Chris and Georgia should be nagging me about buying tickets for both Opening Night AND Closing Night and Chris should be nagging me (see a theme here??) about making sure the seats are good. I should be waiting for the inevitable suggestion that Chris take me out to tea knowing that I would actually be the one to organise and book it, knowing afterwards he would take the credit for it being a great idea. Georgia should be warning her dad NOT to embarrass her by shouting out “go Georgie” at the end of every scene she performs in and Chris should be ignoring her warnings by yelling with great gusto, so loud that we see Georgie smile and slightly shake her head, not really embarrassed, secretly pleased. After the show, we should both be telling Georgia how well she did and how proud we are of her. When we get home, despite the fact that she is twelve Chris should be tucking her into bed because it was always their special time of the day. That’s what should be.

In two short months it will be the anniversary of the worst day of my life, the day Chris died. In two months I will make my way to Boorowa Cemetary, not for the first time and not without crying another river of tears. I will be joined by family and friends who love him and miss him. We will swap Chris stories, laugh together, cry together and wonder for the millionth time how someone who was so full of life could have been snatched from our lives so young, too soon. Here’s what SHOULD be……….

The 24tth of August 2018 should be only what it will be, my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary. It should be just another work day, ordinary, normal. It should be a day where, once again, I am nagged to the point of almost committing acts of violence to ensure the cupboard is adequately stocked for Friday night football. Before kick-off, Chris should be scurrying around, packing and repacking the bag we take to the football so he won’t have to do it tomorrow after work before the final home game of the season. I should be reminded for the umpteenth time about plans for the next day. Before bed, I should see that cheeky grin as he asks me AGAIN for “coffee monies” for Saturday big breakfast at work and then watch as he winks at Georgie when I blow up about being nagged. That’s what should be, ordinary, normal, familiar, loving.

If only……

Always & forever.

P.S. By the time I finished writing this post the mighty Blues have taken out the series by winning the first two games. So my love, all I have to say is – YES! The better team has won the day!!!!!!!!