It’s been 1952 days since I got the call that irrevocably changed my life and out of those days I’ve thought of Chris in every single one.

Each of those 1952 days I have also re-lived that day. In some ways that day seems like a long time ago but in other ways it seems like yesterday. No matter how much time has passed the fact will remain the same, he is gone.

That day was a day that none of us could or should have had to anticipate. That day began a chapter in our lives that we should never have had to write, or at least not for many many years to come and now I am stuck trying to write this story of life without the main character. For whatever reason 1952 days ago life conspired with death to rewrite this story. 

They didn’t care that 1952 days later, as our daughter has followed the normal path of life which makes her more independent and out of the house that I would begin to be an empty nester on my own. They did not care that she would fee’l guilty when she is out more than one night in a row because she doesn’t like me being at home on my own, something she should never feel because like I said this is a normal and natural part of life. 

They didn’t care that 1952 days later jealousy would rise up inside me like an insidious monster while I desperately hope that gazing long into that abyss will not cause it to long gaze into me. This jealousy is of a peculiar kind because while I have many faults, jealousy is not normally one of them. And yet, without permission and warning, it suddenly arises as I watch my mother take the hand of my father, or hear the good natured banter between my sister and brother-in-law, or even just see a couple walking down the street. 

1952 days ago a life I neither asked for nor wanted was thrust upon me and despite my best efforts every single one of those 1952 days everything inside of me wants to scream “WHY”????? 1952 days of fighting the self-pity that I know is an ugly look. 1952 days knowing that all the wishing and hoping and pleading won’t bring him back. No amount of pretending to be strong, or smiling on the outside will change the fact that the weather forecast is indefinitely cloudy with a strong chance of showers. 1952 days of being a walking, talking phenomenon of living without my heart because 1952 days ago Chris took my heart with him when he went. 1952 days of hoping that Scarlet O’Hara was right and tomorrow would be another day, a fresh start, a new chapter. 1952 days that echo the same thing…..

Always & forever……